By Karen Schwartz Triana, LMHC, LCPC and Yvette Triana, LMHC
For those in recovery, the holidays may be a difficult time because of the joyous celebrations, traditions, and occasionally increased emotions. This time of year may make lapses more likely for kids and teenagers trying to refrain from risky habits. The Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE), a cycle of guilt, shame, and self-defeating thoughts that might result in a complete relapse, may occur if your child has a lapse. You can help your child get through these challenging times as a parent by employing useful techniques based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
What is the Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE)?
The AVE is a psychological response that occurs when someone has a lapse in abstaining from a behavior they’re trying to avoid. Common reactions include:
- All-or-Nothing Thinking: “I messed up once, so I might as well keep going.”
- Feelings of Guilt or Shame: “I’ve failed, and I’m not capable of change.”
- Loss of Confidence: “I’ll never succeed in maintaining my goals.”
This thought pattern can quickly spiral, turning a single lapse into a full relapse. Recognizing the AVE and taking steps to reframe it as a temporary setback is crucial to recovery.
How CBT Can Help Families Support Their Child
1. Reframe Lapses as Learning Opportunities
Your child can experience stress, social pressure, or exposure to previous behaviors around the holidays. Remember them that a mistake does not define their recovery.
- What to Say: “One mistake doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it’s a chance to figure out what triggered it and plan for the future.”
- CBT Strategy: Encourage your child to identify their automatic thoughts about the lapse and challenge those thoughts with evidence. For example:
- Thought: “I’ll never be able to stop.”
- Evidence: “I’ve been successful for weeks before this, so I can do it again.”
2. Develop a Holiday-Specific Coping Plan
The holidays bring unique challenges, but creating a plan tailored to the season can help your child feel prepared.
- What to Include in the Plan:
- Identify Triggers: Predict situations that might increase stress or temptation, like large gatherings or seeing certain people.
- List Coping Strategies: Include mindfulness exercises, a go-to support person, or engaging in activities like decorating or baking.
- Practice Exit Strategies: Teach your child how to gracefully leave uncomfortable situations, such as by having a code word or excuse ready.
- CBT Tool: Use a Holiday Coping Worksheet to brainstorm triggers, warning signs, and solutions together.
3. Focus on Small Wins to Build Confidence
High expectations are frequently associated with the holidays, which may be stressful. Assist your child in dividing objectives into doable steps.
- What to Do:
- Set daily intentions, like attending one event without succumbing to pressure or practicing gratitude at dinner.
- Celebrate small victories, such as using a coping skill during a tough moment.
- CBT Strategy: Use positive reinforcement to emphasize progress: “I’m proud of how you handled that situation—you’re showing real strength.”
Additional Tips for Families
- Model Self-Compassion: Share examples of how you’ve recovered from mistakes in your own life to normalize setbacks.
- Stay Involved: Attend therapy or support groups with your child if appropriate. Being present shows that they are not alone.
- Limit Stress: Simplify holiday plans to reduce stressors for the entire family.
Resources for Families
- SAMHSA’s Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator
A searchable database to find support groups, therapists, and treatment programs in your area.
https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov
- The Center for Motivation and Change’s Guide for Families
Offers evidence-based strategies to support a loved one in recovery.
- SMART Recovery for Teens and Families
Provides tools and community support to build resilience and overcome challenges together.
https://www.smartrecovery.org/family
You can assist your child in overcoming the difficulties of the holiday season with resilience and optimism by implementing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) strategies into your parenting style. Keep in mind that mistakes are a necessary part of the process, not its conclusion. Your child can continue to develop the skills necessary for long-term healing with your help and support.
At Caliper Wellness, our family therapists are here to support you. If you’re struggling to implement these techniques or feel your child and family need additional assistance, please reach out to us—we’re here to help. The holidays can be stressful, and we want to help ease that burden. In addition to mental health counseling, we offer a variety of services designed to support you and your family.
References:
Baer, J. S., & Carney, M. M. (2003). Relapse prevention and the Abstinence Violation Effect. Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, 24(3), 243-248.
- This study specifically addresses how the AVE contributes to relapse in substance use disorders and its impact on the effectiveness of treatment.
Beck, A. T., & Weishaar, M. E. (2004). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
- This book on cognitive therapy includes specific techniques that can be applied to treat the AVE, such as cognitive restructuring, self-monitoring, and behavioral experiments. These techniques are essential in helping individuals reframe their thoughts about abstinence lapses and reduce feelings of guilt and hopelessness.
Marlatt, G. A., & Gordon, J. R. (1985). Relapse Prevention: Maintenance Strategies in the Treatment of Addictive Behaviors. New York: Guilford Press.
- This seminal work by Marlatt and Gordon introduced the concept of AVE within the context of relapse prevention. It emphasizes how lapses in behavior (e.g., a return to drinking after a period of abstinence) can lead to a cognitive and emotional response that worsens the relapse situation.
